2009 Trying but not really

OK, I said I would write about 2009 and our year of trying, but not really trying. I am going to lump the who year into one post-just because there really isn't a lot to tell.

After hubby lost his job in Dec. of 2008 we couldn't afford to go to the RE, which was a total bummer. We did get a lot of great advice and learned about a lot of things. So we just started taking it day by day and I learned a little about charting, and temping, using preseed. A friend sent me some, and we didn't use it in a regular basis, but I really like the stuff, and its the only type of lubrication that wont hinder the little swimmers. I did a lot of praying and had my ups and downs, and still do. I know that no matter what infertility I face, there is NOTHING that God cant do, fix or have control over. This is what I cling to on a daily basis. Especially when I see 13 and 14 yr old girls getting pregnant. That is something really difficult, or those mothers who already have 5 kids and get pregnant by some random dude. Yea those days are some of the most difficult. I have days that I feel that God is telling me I wont be a good mom, and thats why I deal with this, then there are other days that I am OK with it?!?! I think it just really depends on my hormone surge that day. I did have a total breakdown the other week. I was home alone, the step-daughter was gone for the weekend and the hubby was at work. I just was having a crappy day. So I placed a text to my BFF and chatted a little. I want so badly to have a good relationship with the SD (step-daughter), and a child of my own. I want what my mom and I have. Yea we have bad days, but I can call her for anything. I am craving that type of relationship, and it sucks that SD wont come to me. I am old, dont understand, etc. She feels that she is SO smart she can figure things out on her own, but doesn't realize just how immature she still is.

OK, so I veered off the path of midwife, pregnancy, etc. Sorry!! Lets get back on track. So for 8 months we just went on as normal, I ended up stopping my charting and temping. For one, it got really difficult, and two the cats made off with my thermometer. I have had this pain on my right side, down around my ovary for probably a year if not more. I went through sonograms, exams, etc. and even consulted a general surgeon to find out what this pain was. I mean were talking doubling over in pain it would hurt so bad. I went to my obgyn and told her that we had to do something. Since no one could figure this thing out, she had to. She explained since I have the endo, she suggests Lupron. After watching my Best Friend do the Lupron and send her body through hell, I said no thank you. She said if I did the Lupron and it got rid of the pain, then we would know that it was definitely the endo. I still disagreed and opted for the surgery. August 28, 2009 I had my second laparoscopic surgery. Needless to say, the Lupron would not have worked. My uterus was attached to my bowels. So now I know what was causing the incredible pains I was having. Its now Jan 2010 and I have not really had any problems with the pain, outside of having horrendous cramps each month. Oh and while she was doing the separation of uterus/bowel, she also did my HSG, so the insurance covered all of it. I learned that I have one good tube and one partially blocked tube. Hrumph! So there is my trials with conceiving. Endometriosis, PCOS, and a partially blocked tube.....God is in control, and he knows the desires of my heart!

Up next: Midwifery/Doula/Business of being born

A little history

In this post, I will explain a little on me, and why I am searching for a midwife (which I kinda did in my first post). I will apologize now if I repeat things or I get long winded, etc. I have a tendency to do that =)

It all really started back in Oct 2008. I was about a week late....didnt know what to think or to do-I called the hubby and told him. Voiced my concerns and worries, etc and he convinced me to go to the Dr. just to make sure. Well I did, and of course the test came back negative. I was disappointed to say the least. This kinda kick started the "trying" phase. We talked and decided that we were going to try for a baby....exciting, scary, nerve racking, etc. Knowing that I had been diagnosed with endometrosis in 2006 and PCOS in 2007 (?) it was going to be a challenge. We sought out an RE (reproductive endocrinologist). After hours of searching online I found one that I wanted to meet. Dr. Barry Jacobs, http://texasfertility.com/ A wonderful wonderful man. Hubby went with me to our first appointment/exam. It was weird and wonderful at the same time. Most of the time when you go to the OBGYN, hubbies sit in the waiting room, if they even go with you. Not this one, he was in the room as Dr. Jacobs did my exam. It took tension right out of the room. I would recommend this to all women-take your hubby with you (if he can handle it-which Im blessed, mine can). So, we did a trans-vaginal ultrasound, a pelvic exam and lots of fun poking and prodding-LOL HAHA. He then took us to his office, and spent an additional 45 min with us. Explained everything about my two conditions, what hubbies medications do to his swimmers, etc. It was definitely a huge benefit for us. We had agreed to keep seeing him and he would do my HSG (Hysterosalpingogram). For anyone who doesnt know what that is:

A hysterosalpingogram, or HSG is an important test of female fertility potential. The HSG test is a radiology procedure usually done in the radiology department of a hospital or outpatient radiology facility.

• Radiographic contrast (dye) is injected into the uterine cavity through the vagina and cervix.
  
  
• The uterine cavity fills with dye and if the fallopian tubes are open, dye fills the tubes and spills into the abdominal cavity

Now, Dr. Jacobs was not covered by my insurance so we were cash pay. Not a problem, until Dec 2008 when we were scheduling the HSG, Hubby lost his great paying job. RATS!!!! And thus began our time out on trying with the help of an RE. We just couldn't afford it anymore. Very disappointing, and frustrating-but after time to really pray about this, I understood (again) that everything happens in Gods time, not ours.

Next post: 2009 and trying but not really trying.....

The search begins

I am starting this blog, so that I can look back and remember the whole process.

Where to begin...I am searching for a midwife. Hubby and I are trying to have a baby....dealing with many problems in this area, so it is a daily struggle for me. With that being said, it was suggested to me that I seek out a midwife. Now when this was suggested to me, I wasn't really sure what a midwife was, what she/he did, etc. So thus my search began, but before I started searching, I watched The Business of Being Born (http://www.thebusinessofbeingborn.com/), man oh man was this an eye opener. This really sealed the deal for me, I do not want a Dr. telling me what I can't do, what I have to do, etc. For thousands of years, women had babies at home without Drs., hospitals, c-sections, etc. I am taking control over my body and my birth. God created a womans body such a way that it is perfect for childbearing. You just have to listen to it, and understand it. You cant listen to your body when you are laying in a bed with your legs in an unnatural position with lights glaring down at you and people yelling at you to push and/or breath. I also have come to the decision that I want a water birth as well as a home birth. I called my mom and told her of my revelation, thinking that she would be excited and happy, but those arent exactly the words I would use to describe her tone on the phone that day. It was more of "um, are you crazy" kind of thing. I explained how I wanted a home birth and everything that went along with it, and never really got any response other than silence...and a couple of OK's....Not exactly what I was expecting. OK, so lets leave mom out of this for now, until we can chat more about it and get more response/understanding from her.

Sooo, At this point, I started researching who, what, how, etc. Oh boy was this overwhelming. So many women, so many ideas...once again, didn't really know where to begin. I started taking it one day/idea at a time. I found a website for midwives, here in TX. www.texasmidwives.com/ This really helped. It narrowed down the midwives that would service my county. OK, so that's done. Now, who do I choose????? I checked with my insurance, and surprise surprise, they only cover a midwife who is a Nurse Practitioner....and there arent too many out there. I checked out several other websites, http://www.midwife.org/, http://www.americanpregnancy.org/labornbirth/midwives.html. Lots and lots of information to swallow. Taking all of this in, I went back to the local midwives in my area and began to email them. I chose about 4 different ones to ask to meet with. Hubby and I have met with two so far, and still working on appts with the other two...but more on that in my next post. Its late for now and I am wiped out.