After hubby lost his job in Dec. of 2008 we couldn't afford to go to the RE, which was a total bummer. We did get a lot of great advice and learned about a lot of things. So we just started taking it day by day and I learned a little about charting, and temping, using preseed. A friend sent me some, and we didn't use it in a regular basis, but I really like the stuff, and its the only type of lubrication that wont hinder the little swimmers. I did a lot of praying and had my ups and downs, and still do. I know that no matter what infertility I face, there is NOTHING that God cant do, fix or have control over. This is what I cling to on a daily basis. Especially when I see 13 and 14 yr old girls getting pregnant. That is something really difficult, or those mothers who already have 5 kids and get pregnant by some random dude. Yea those days are some of the most difficult. I have days that I feel that God is telling me I wont be a good mom, and thats why I deal with this, then there are other days that I am OK with it?!?! I think it just really depends on my hormone surge that day. I did have a total breakdown the other week. I was home alone, the step-daughter was gone for the weekend and the hubby was at work. I just was having a crappy day. So I placed a text to my BFF and chatted a little. I want so badly to have a good relationship with the SD (step-daughter), and a child of my own. I want what my mom and I have. Yea we have bad days, but I can call her for anything. I am craving that type of relationship, and it sucks that SD wont come to me. I am old, dont understand, etc. She feels that she is SO smart she can figure things out on her own, but doesn't realize just how immature she still is.
OK, so I veered off the path of midwife, pregnancy, etc. Sorry!! Lets get back on track. So for 8 months we just went on as normal, I ended up stopping my charting and temping. For one, it got really difficult, and two the cats made off with my thermometer. I have had this pain on my right side, down around my ovary for probably a year if not more. I went through sonograms, exams, etc. and even consulted a general surgeon to find out what this pain was. I mean were talking doubling over in pain it would hurt so bad. I went to my obgyn and told her that we had to do something. Since no one could figure this thing out, she had to. She explained since I have the endo, she suggests Lupron. After watching my Best Friend do the Lupron and send her body through hell, I said no thank you. She said if I did the Lupron and it got rid of the pain, then we would know that it was definitely the endo. I still disagreed and opted for the surgery. August 28, 2009 I had my second laparoscopic surgery. Needless to say, the Lupron would not have worked. My uterus was attached to my bowels. So now I know what was causing the incredible pains I was having. Its now Jan 2010 and I have not really had any problems with the pain, outside of having horrendous cramps each month. Oh and while she was doing the separation of uterus/bowel, she also did my HSG, so the insurance covered all of it. I learned that I have one good tube and one partially blocked tube. Hrumph! So there is my trials with conceiving. Endometriosis, PCOS, and a partially blocked tube.....God is in control, and he knows the desires of my heart!
Up next: Midwifery/Doula/Business of being born
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